| On the verge of extinction... |
[04 Nov 2008|03:18pm] |
I'm so close to the end and all I want is clarity... some understanding.
I've spent the last 4 years defending life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness... but not enjoying it. I sit on the verge of extinction. I'm a dying breed.
I take pride in what I've done and what I'm doing.
I am responsible for every aspect of 5 guys' lives. Everything. I monitor their finances. I ensure they arrive on time. I ensure their personal affairs are in order. I control every second of their lives. I work with them. I teach them. I train them. I groom them. I punish them. I lead them.
I've done this for nearly 3 years now. In addition to that, I'm responsible for more equipment and thousands of dollars worth of resources than any man should ever be responsible for.
I sit on the doorstep of freedom. I can almost taste it. Then why do I fear that I'll miss it?
I fear that I'll miss the order. I fear that I'll miss the immense responsibility. I fear that I'll miss these little things that I despise.
Life is supposed to be hard, right? This is the easiest hard job I've ever had. It's also the hardest easy job I've ever had.
Why am I afraid of missing it? I don't want to play any more. I've done more than what my country has asked of me. I don't want to miss another birthday, Christmas or child birth. I want to enjoy all of those freedoms I'm defending. I don't want to play anymore... but I'm afraid I'll miss it.
I fear I'm on the verge of extinction... and I can't save myself.
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| Writer's Block: Supermarket Grabfest |
[21 Jul 2008|04:37pm] |
I'd go straight for the wine section and grab a few bottles of my favorites then head to the meat section. I'd grab lots of beef (steaks, roasts and ribs) and the vacuum-sealed, frozen seafood (salmon, scallops, shrimp, etc). I'd head through and grab some feta and Silk from the dairy section and make my way to the front of the store. On my way out, I'd grab as many cartons of smokes as I could, snatch cash from the registers until I'm almost out of time and book it for the door.
I refuse to apologize for any small children or elderly trampled on my grabfest.
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| Tonight |
[29 Jun 2008|09:33pm] |
One bottle of Cabernet, chicken breasts, rice and broccoli... a little garlic, lime juice, cumin and chili powder makes for AMAZING on your plate.
I just thought you'd like to know that.
Cooking makes me happy, especially when I can cook for Chris (my roomie). He can't cook for shit, so I get to experiment. Plus, he's totally honest in a little kid sort of way, so I know when he's lying about stuff.
Chicken breasts with lime juice, cumin, chili powder, garlic, salt and pepper...
Rice with chili powder, butter, cumin, salt and pepper and a quick spritz of lime...
Broccoli blanched in salt water, then coated in garlic, butter and salt in a pan...
Rice, Chicken sliced, Broccoli on the side... a glass of Cabernet...
AMAZING.
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| Strength and Focus |
[29 Jun 2008|01:24pm] |
With all these things on my plate and life seeming like it only gets more complex, I've been able to rediscover my focus and my strength. It just takes being single to do that for me.
Relationships bring me down. Girls are a huge weight I've been able to get off my shoulders again. Without the extra drama, the extra concerns, I'm able to do things for myself again. I'm able to stop neglecting my interests. This is why I feel so strongly that I'm meant to be alone.
I eat better. I work out constantly. My finances are kicking ass. In general, I'm a better version of me. The biggest difference being that I'm not worried about finding the next girl. I don't care. I don't want sex. I don't need it right now. I have my books, my cooking, my workouts. I don't need you to help me anymore. You used to be my focus, my strength. I used to measure myself through your approvals. No longer. I know I don't need it.
So, thanks for the memories, ladies. All of you little doe-eyed randoms no longer interest me. So, thanks again. I'm happy for now.
Now, fuck off.
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| All the pretty girls |
[25 Jun 2008|05:36pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
OTEP - Jonestown Tea |
] |
I realized something long ago: I'm terrible with women. Not in the way you're thinking, though. I don't necessarily treat them horribly. In fact, I'm rather pleasant usually. What I mean is that I'm not good to myself when I'm involved with someone romantically.
Things I love to do tend to get discarded. I stop writing, or slow down to the point of a very long pause. Which is interpreted as stopping. I also don't make time to read. Maybe I just feel like she'll get mad at me for reading instead of goofing off with her? I don't know, but I'm going to make an effort to stop being shitty. I need to get myself under control.
I let my emotions blind me. I've always done it, but it's usually only in little bouts. Lately, it has been long spells that last for days, or weeks. Weeks of being horrible and angry. Weeks spent saying hurtful things and basking in it. Feeling so high and mighty is a delightful sin that I will try to restrain.
Of course, from time to time, I'll let the Evil come out and play. But I want to play while remaining in control and without taking things too far. So, in an effort to fix myself, I'm punishing myself from my favorite vice: women. I'll remain friendly. I'll be good. I won't be looking for a fill in the blank wife or lover. I'll make friends and intend on keeping them.
I'll finish reading all those books I have. I'll clear my head of the ugly mud stifling me. I'll do these things because I feel flawed and broken as I am. Sure, I'm fun. But I'm a bit of a bastard. I don't think that's so admirable anymore, so I'm working on resolving my issues.
Here I am... naked.
Now, fuck off...
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| The Apple |
[24 Jun 2008|08:58pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence is golden and music distracts me |
] |
I feel so detached from it all. Not only from my life at home, but from everyone I've ever been close to. I feel like this monster I've manicured and grown has finally turned on me. A once submissive and easily controlled ally has consumed me whole. I don't even think I can see the sun's rays from this far beneath the sea.
( I'm lost. )
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| When I drink, things get interesting... |
[18 Jun 2008|02:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
OTEP |
] |
Michael,
I need to get this off my chest…
The past year and a half has tested me more than I could ever imagine. My feelings have gone through a continuous rollercoaster ride and my physical state can’t determine where it needs to stand.
After what happened between us back in December everything around me started to collapse. I became emotionally disoriented and lost all sense of my surroundings. The only other time I’ve felt this low was back when I was dealing with Joshua, of which you knew all about when we dated. I felt like the worst person in the world as in the span of a few months I had deeply hurt the only two men I truly cared about and in turn was hurt back by them.
I needed to see you last month because I wanted to talk to you about our past situation. Compared to the Army, love truly is the most dangerous of battlefields. It obviously didn’t go according to how I wanted it, but right now I am somewhat content where I am in life and one of the two most important men in my life, aside from my daddy, is still talking to me and considers me his friend. So in that regard, I can’t say I would risk changing everything were I given the chance to redo things...I’d simply change the fact that you and I are currently not on speaking terms and the hurtful words/letters we’ve exchanged.
But the truth is that I was, and still am attracted to you. You’re an amazing man with countless qualities that I admire. You’ve affected my life more than you will probably ever realize, but I’m happy to say that it’s always been for the better. When I think about you I can’t help but smile. I am eternally grateful that you were a part of my life. “There are many things in life that will capture your eye, but very few will capture your heart. These are the ones to pursue. These are the ones worth keeping.” Life is a matter of subjectivity and from hereon how I live it depends solely on me and how I want o view it.
I look forward to the next time we can meet up, for that is the main purpose of this letter; be it a month from now or years down the road. We will see each other again, of that I am certain, but I would like to see you if not in loving terms, at least in friendly terms.
Just know that you mean a lot to me and I will always welcome you with open arms…
Yours truly,
Linda
"It is never to late to fight for those we love..." -Premonition
Some people wonder where these crazy thoughts come from. Some people wonder why I'm fucked up. Some people wonder how I can see evil in everything. Some people may see the hot and cold personality switch that happens when you piss me off... to all of those, I want you to know... it all stems from them; females.
Many years of this... many, many years...
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| My Apology |
[12 Jun 2008|08:18pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Trentemoller - Moan |
] |
This is the point where I spill it all. It has been building, and here it comes.
I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm upset.
You said there was no competition. You said it wasn't even close to being a contest. I win, hands down. Remember that? But the fact that I was so in to you, and you weren't in to me, was the undoing of it all. That's when I quit.
No. I didn't do it right. You were gone, and I was seeing other people. I only saw people that were temporary. I knew I couldn't keep them, because I wanted you. Then you came back and things didn't go as planned. You talked about him too much. Told me that he mattered, even though he didn't matter. I would never abandon you. But I didn't have the balls to say it. I only wanted to make you smile. I know that you understand me and know me better than anyone else on this planet ever will. I know this, and I completely respect that. I love that you love me for who I am. But it doesn't matter now.
Add another layer of hatred and bitterness to this already thick exterior. But, it's my fault, as always. And I could never be more sorry.
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| Dear Iraqs |
[28 Feb 2008|08:26pm] |
um.. I doent wanna goes back. ur country is teh suck. plz stop beein dum.
luv,
Asshole
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| Facebook eats asshole |
[15 Jan 2008|12:08am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Muse - Stockholm Syndrome |
] |
Facebook totally eats asshole... and not in the good way that takes your friendship to the next level. Facebook does it like some drunken dude that thinks he's more sober than he is. Maybe he thinks he's being all super smooth too. Who knows?
The point of this isn't to make it sound like I've had some random gay experience at a bar or something, because I'm certain I'd remember it if that ever happened... which, for the record, has not. But one thing that has certainly happened is that Facebook sucks.
Facebook, I hope you get rectal warts so numerous that... I don't know... numerous rectal warts sounds bad enough, so I'll just go with that. Facebook, I hope you get numerous rectal warts. You suck.
Now, fuck off.
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| Friendship |
[12 Jan 2008|11:48am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hot Chip - No Fit State |
] |
I firmly believe that you're on a different level of friendship with a girl once you go down on her and eat her ass.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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| Dear Diary, |
[16 Dec 2007|12:19am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor |
] |
I am a 12 year old girl that is jealous about a girl that I don't even like or know because she's following my friend around and making out with me when no one else is around. How lame am I?
Fuck off.
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| More pics... |
[12 Feb 2007|10:19am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Doors - L.A. Woman |
] |
I realize that 99% of you out there hate the fact that I'm in Iraq. That's all fine and well, regardless of your reasons. I have my own opinions on the matter and I'm sure you can guess what they are. But, my pics are limited to me in Army clothes, so don't bitch about it.
( I'm still alive... )
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| Is anyone out there....? |
[24 Dec 2006|09:44pm] |
I realize I'm the worst LJ friend ever right now, as I've only logged on once or twice since I've been in Iraq, but I felt it necessary to say hey.
I'm still alive, despite the best efforts of my entire chain of command. Go me.
So, if you're reading this; how are you? Life, love, money... how are things really going?
If you're interested, I'm doing well, thank you. I'm actually getting married when/if I make it home. This time for real. haha... I know I know... blah blah blah, Mike and some other girl. yeah yeah... well... you'll see. I just thought I'd give you a heads-up.
Have some ( pics )
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| Pics from Iraq |
[12 Oct 2006|09:51am] |
It's been ages since I've had any time to post anything. Sorry about that.
I'm home on leave for a couple weeks. Then it's back to the sandbox with me.
Explanations available upon request.
( Enjoy )
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| insanity |
[12 May 2006|11:53am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tool - 10,000 Days (Wings Part 2) |
] |
for some reason, vanity is catching on like herpes at a spin-the-bottle game. perhaps the cryptic nature of my previous posts, while beautiful and perfect to me, weren't really easily digested by all.
should I take the time to explain what I really meant or what I'm really talking about? should I just push the buttons to kill one and resurrect another?
I am the demon that lives inside you.
I am the splinter in your sock.
Without me, your pain wouldn't have a face.
as I progress through my own ugliness, I wonder if things are going the way they should.
as the smoke bleeds from my mouth, and the ashes collect, and music burns my ears, and the words get shorter and angrier, and my heart kicks violently, and my eyes purse, and I purge this filth, I wonder if you'll ever understand me.
it's so terrifying
I don't want to be alone
it's just a story
or a detached emotion
but I live here all the time
you believe me, don't you?
you believe what I just said?
I'm only what I make with my hands
I don't even know where to begin
can't remember a single time
where it meant something
deeper than I made it sound
you may be confused
but god damn, I'm living here
alone and afraid
and there's nothing I want
more than just silence
just drown in in
soak it all up
it's good for your skin
it's not so bad once you get past the taste
inked in blood
means nothing to me
so you're right here waiting
and I'm busy with my own life
and it's never good enough
but I don't want it to be
so you don't get confused
alone again
all by myself in this group
and I forgot all about it
I don't care what they said
I can't remember anyway
and this smoke burns my eyes
but the pile grows
and her power overburdens my ears
making my heart pump fluid hate
but I understand
Right In Two - that's where my heart lies
and it does lie
alone and afraid
there's nothing you can fix
I like being broken
this is my reality
go comatose and join me
we'll go for a walk
and search for our hero
not that asshole with the halo
one that's real
I want one to throw rocks at
and we've all been there
not like you
I don't like you
pick the glass from my knuckles
as I shatter the reflection
of the evil one
and you thought this was all about you...
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